I Burnt Out

For the past several months I have not done much in this space. It's troubled me because years ago I decided I was going to help as many dads as I could.

I burnt out not from helping dads, but rather, from trying to help them. I learned that many dads lose not because they have a vindictive ex and the system is stacked against them. While these are contributing factors to making the situation exasperatingly difficult, it is not the main contributor, only the catalyst.

The main reason so many men fail it's because they let their ego, stubbornness, and anger get in the way. They struggle to ask for help, and when they do ask for help it is often from a poor source.

They get caught up in what is called a ‘sunk cost fallacy.’ This is where they have already invested so much money, effort and energy into something, and even though it is not working, they continue at it thinking it will.

Some of my most frustrating moments were trying to reason with dads who were explaining to me what they were going to do. I explained to them that what they were suggesting did not work for the last ten guys who tried it. And when I would propose something that was working they would refuse to try it.

Inevitably they failed.

I've seen dads who have been hit with the worst turn their lives around within months. They've gotten themselves back on track financially, cleared up the false allegations, found a new relationship, and most importantly reestablished the relationship with their children.

But for most, this does not happen. Most dads progressively fall deeper and deeper into the black hole. They begin to identify as a victim, listen to advice from poor sources, and become easy prey for unscrupulous solicitors.

After I went through the hell that I did; my wife disappearing halfway across the country with my children, the false allegations, the endless court appearances, the character assassination campaign, the parental alienation, and the list goes on…

I sorted my life out. It was bloody difficult. It took a lot of work. I had to change the way I think and the way I did things. Today, my life is one thousand times better than it was before. In a couple of weeks, my children will come to spend some of their holiday with me. My relationship with them is incredible.

Start by taking a very honest look at how things are going. Is it working?  

You probably stayed in a relationship for a long time that was not working before it progressed into the situation you are now in.

Is this a pattern in your life? Staying with what’s not working?

I used to call child Support and fight with them all the time. Not once did it improve my situation and many times it made it worse. This is just one example of doing what does not work.

The first lawyer I hired, showed up late to court and her paperwork was a mess. I cut my loss and got rid of her right away.

The secretary at my children’s school was not helpful. I got angry and frustrated but got me nowhere. So I found someone else who was helpful.

What are you doing that is not working?

What are you going to start doing differently?