Seeing Your Kids and Failed Mediation

The family court encourages parents to mediate. This happened to a client of mine. We'll call him Bob. During Bob's first round of mediation, his ex wanted him to agree, to a ‘no contact order.’ That is, Bob would have no contact with the children until they were eighteen years old. Bob did not agree, and after four hours of mediation, nothing was resolved.

Bob returned for another round of mediation. His ex said he could see the children once a fortnight for two hours with contact supervision. This would mean Bob with spend four hours a month with his children with contact supervision until they turned eighteen years old.

Bob asked me for advice.

I explained to Bob, “the mediator is trying to get you and your ex onto the same page. However, you guys are not in the same library, let alone the same book. You have nothing to mediate.”

For mediation to be effective, I believe both parents need to at least be in the same book otherwise, it's a complete waste of time. Let me clarify. It is not a complete waste of time. Mediation is a beneficial stalling tactic by the parent who is holding onto the children and who does not want to let go of any care. It also benefits the mediators who make money.

I have worked with far too many men who have been through multiple rounds of mediation that have achieved nothing. Not a single one of the men was being unreasonable. All they wanted was to have a relationship with her children and to spend reasonable time with them. What their ex-partners were seeking was completely unreasonable (in my opinion of course)

(I do know people who have been successful in mediation. There were no domestic/family violence allegations on either side and no substance abuse or mental health issues)

If there are domestic violence allegations where shuttle mediation goes ahead, I have not seen much success. The parties are usually so far at opposite ends.

Here is my suggestion; Any parent who needs to go through mediation to get to court or advance their court process, and at the same time, believes that mediation does not have any hope of being successful. Mediate at the earliest opportunity even if it's going to cost you a little bit extra. Do not wait six months for some discount/free mediation because you'll save a bit of money. Every day you wait is lost time whereby the other parent is setting precedence in their care arrangement. If you can, get to mediation the next day. Don't waste your money bringing a lawyer with you. If you need to have mediation, go through the motions, get your certificate, and get the ball rolling in the family court.

What are your thoughts on mediation in a high conflict-separation?