You’re Not Guilty!

I want to share this chapter from my new book ‘Communicating With The Ex From Hell. Available 1 Jun 2023.

You’re Not Guilty!

Putting up with a selfish, narcissistic, and or borderline personality-disordered partner takes a nice, kind, loving, caring, and giving person. The nice person keeps thinking, “If only I were nicer things would work out.”

The easiest way to trigger ‘Mr Nice Guy’ is to make him feel like he was, is, and never will be nice enough. To the nice guy, being nice equals being good, and they want to be good. If they are not being good, they are inadequate and guilty of something.

One of the biggest triggers I see in the men I work with is their ex making them feel guilty. The ex from hell will make you feel like everything is your fault. Chances are that, during your relationship, nothing was ever her fault. Now that you are no longer together this fact remains. Your failed relationship is just one more thing your ex has added to your wrongdoings list. 

Your ex will take every opportunity to blame you for anything and everything. If you share kids, this will almost always concern some parenting issue. In her communication, she will try and make you feel guilty.

This is why you’ve got to know your truth (see chapter ‘Know your Truth’). Even with knowing your truth, you will be triggered when she makes you think you have not done enough for your kids or are not doing enough, or you’re not capable of ever doing enough.

She will certainly accuse you of not being a responsible parent.

You’ll ask to spend a few hours with your kid/s, and she’ll make you feel guilty for doing so.

She’ll offer you an opportunity to see your kid/s on the same day she knows you have a big event. When you say no, she’ll make you feel like a bad person.

In 2020, I was trekking in Nepal. I had not spoken with my kids in a week, I had not communicated with my ex for two weeks. I messaged my ex at the time the children would normally be calling me on a Tuesday evening as they had been doing for the last several years.

Here is our communication:

Me:

'Wating For Call.'

Ex:

‘FFS they were making the call at that exact time.  Also, they can call you at any time between 6-7pm.  They can call you at 6:30 if they want to.  They can call you at 6:58. So come off your high horse or your mountain or wherever it is you are that makes you think you're entitled to harass me.’

(I had to google FFS. It means ‘For Fuck Sake.’)

Was I harassing my ex by sending her one message in two weeks, ‘Waiting for call?’ Was I on my ‘high horse’ wanting to speak to my kids after no communication for a week?

What was my ex getting at? Was she trying to make me feel guilty? Would I react and send her something that she could run off to the police with it?

I knew I was not guilty of sending her a msg, ‘Waiting for call.’

Previously, when my ex blamed me for giving my kids lice, I knew I was not guilty. I knew I was not guilty when she blamed me for giving the kids Covid-19. Yet, every time she blamed me for something, it still triggered me.

I could give a hundred more examples, both of my own and from other men. If you read through the stories in this book, you will see many other instances where the ex is trying to make the dad feel guilty.

You may think your ex is motivated by wanting you to feel like a useless piece of crap. However, this is usually just a by-product of what she really wants.

What she really wants is a response.

You feel the need to defend yourself, and as soon as you try, your ex wins. If she is a narcissistic, borderline personality disordered, drama addicted and the like, she scores one hundred points by getting you to respond. She scores one thousand points if she has a restraining order on you and gets you to breach it.

If you want to save yourself a lot of headaches, keep this in mind. You will never convince her that you are not wrong. Trying to convince her you are not wrong or that she is wrong, wastes your time and energy. Let her believe what she wants to.

Being right may feed your ego, but it won’t change anything in your situation. I speak from years of experience in both my own communication and reading through hundreds of communications from other dads. When dealing with an impossible ex where she lays accusations and blame, I have not seen a single item of communication where the man exonerated himself.

If you overly engage with the ex from hell and try to show her that you were just trying to be a good dad, a thoughtful person, and doing the right thing, you will be digging your own grave.