Your Emotional State in Communication

Your ex may have done or is doing things that significantly interfere with your life. She may be badmouthing you to family and friends. She may have caused you to lose your job. She may have had an affair. She may have stolen your money, car, and or home. All of this is going to elicit strong emotions.

Intensifying your situation is that you are likely fighting over two extremely emotionally driven things you are highly invested in access to 'Children' and division of 'Property/Money.'

In Western capitalist culture, money is everything. People's success is defined by how much money they earn and have. Your ability to exist and express yourself within this culture depends a lot on how much money you have. People often tie their identities and self-worth to their wealth. Now that your ex is taking money from you or trying to through child support, spousal support and or a financial settlement, this may clash with your identity and sense of being. It may also conflict with your sense of justice as you are forced to pay to support your kids while being denied access to them.

I recall at one point being ordered to pay around $500 per week for my children's daycare. At the time I was not working. I offered to look after the children, but my ex refused. I was a loving parent being forced by my government to pay for my children to attend daycare while I was at home without work and willing to look after them. I felt this to be completely wrong. You can imagine how upset this made me.

As a man, you are the protector and provider. Being alienated from your children and not given the position and opportunity to live up to this role will clash enormously with your emotions. It will play into your identity, self-worth, and sense of being.

I have yet to meet a dad who wouldn't give the shirt off his back and his last piece of bread to his child. Granted, there are some crazy men out there who have done terrible things to their children, yet by far, almost every father loves for, cares for, and will do anything for his children, and when he can't, he suffers.

When we put these two things together, the issue of ‘money’ and ‘children’ emotions are going to be triggered. On top of this, you are already in a fragile state of going through an identity crisis with losing a relationship, maybe a lost job and friends, having to move house, and so on. Your communication is going to be massively challenged.

Adding to this is the need to communicate with the very person who is causing the problems. One can only imagine what will come of this.

Always check your emotional state before communicating

Before you communicate, check in on your emotional state. How are you feeling in this moment? What are your predominant thoughts? What is your anxiety level? Are you sad? Are you angry? Did you sleep well last night? Do you have a headache? Did you just get off the phone with child support and were informed that they are taking another $10,000 from you? Did you just receive court orders you are not happy with? Has your ex just refused you to see your kids?

Do whatever it takes within reason, to get into the right state of mind before you communicate. You could meditate, walk, exercise, eat a pizza, chocolate or ice cream, drink a beer, surf, have a cold shower, chat with your therapist, etc. Whatever it is, provided it is a healthy activity (a bit of junk food and a beer is ok) do it.

For me, a few minutes of breathing exercises, some push-ups to music and a cold shower will usually shift my state out of any crappy emotional state it may be in.

What about you? How will you ensure you are in a balanced emotional state before communicating with your ex?