Your ex not letting you see your kids?

It's been one hell of a battle to get time with my kids and the ongoing saga continues non-stop. Domestic violence orders, arrests, child abuse allegations, child support conflict, family court etc.

Some of you have been reading my posts over the years. I have worked with over a hundred fathers going through difficult breakups and dealing with an impossible ex. Here is the biggest thing I’ve learned. 

Most Dads Mess Things up!

I’ll repeat it, Most Dads Mess Things up!

Hear me out.

I’ll use Judo as a metaphor.

Imagine being dragged onto the mat for a Judo match. You know nothing about Judo and you are up against someone who’s been training for a few months, maybe even a year.

Will you win? Perhaps? Maybe you will have a physical strength or weight advantage. But most likely you will lose.

Imagine you train hard for a few months. Will you win? Perhaps?

Maybe your opponent will have crowds cheering for them which unsettles you? Maybe the referee is a bit on your opponent's side?

Very seldomly do I see a dad up against a state champion or an Olympic athlete. What I mean by an Olympic athlete is, when the guy’s ex is brilliant, creative, and smart. She can write and speak well. She has lots of money and resources on call. She is an extreme narcissist and or has a borderline personality disorder. She has written the book on ‘How to Alienate Your Children.’ She won first place in high school debating. And if you looked up the word ‘vindictive’ in the dictionary, you would find her name as a reference.

My point is, that most dads are facing off with an amateur. And instead of dad levelling up quickly and playing the game smart which would give him a fighting chance, he usually does a series of stupid things and makes the same dumb mistakes a hundred fathers have done before him. He plays right into his ex’s hands. The police can easily toy with him. And the whole system can easily predict his very next move.

Back to Judo. Dad forgets to submit his competition form. Or if he does submit it, it’s done poorly. He enters the Judo ring throwing punches and is disqualified. He screams at the referees. He gets a coach who is useless. Pays the coach a ridiculous amount of money. Fires the coach and gets a new coach. He gets angry at anyone who tries to offer him help. He has every excuse for why he is going to do it his way even if it’s not working.

He refuses to level up and train smart.

Time slowly ticks by. His ex is still training in the Judo system, and getting better at it every day, while dad is busy training in Karate because he likes karate better. Dad refuses to study Judo. Dad hates Judo. Dad wants to tell the entire Judo organization to get F*. Dad is too busy practising his Karate on the police, the Child Support Administration, their ex’s family, friends, and new partners. Dad is doing his Karate with the kid's schools, Legal Aid, and even with his own kids.  

I’ll agree with you. The system is BS. The system is rigged. The police are morons and will believe your ex’s rubbish. You won’t get the support you deserve and need and so on. By default, everyone will side with your ex’s fake tears etc.

But here is the thing, the system is designed to beat the average guy pitted against the less than average woman.  If you are the state champion and your ex is just average, you will win at this game.

It’s time to level up and play the game smart.